This whole situation with Tom left me speechless for a good few hours. But I feel like I just need to write what I feel to let it go.
First of all, I feel absolute horror. Horror at the thought of what she must have gone through. I can’t imagine being 15 and having to deal with all of that shit. On top of having issues within her home, she had to deal with her boyfriend being sexually and emotionally abusive. It is horrifying to think of what it must have been like to sit there and helplessly watch him cut himself. Tom’s semi-psychotic behavior would be difficult enough to deal with as a 15 year old without being sexually abused on top of that. Clearly Tom has some of his own issues he needs to deal with, but forcing them onto a 15 year old is inexcusable. And it clearly wasn’t just coercive sex, but rather violent coercive sex (not that the former is any less horrible than the latter). The fact that anyone should have to go through any of this is absolutely sickening. I can only say that I think she is very brave for coming out about it now and she seems incredibly mature with how she is dealing with it. I hope she has found/ will find a way to come to terms with this. And I hope she knows that not all of Tom Milsom’s fans will continue to blindly idolize him but see him for what he is and support her through this.
Now on to the part where I selfishly talk about how all of this makes me feel as a former fan of Tom. This is in no way meant to lessen what she has gone through. I completely acknowledge that what she went through is horrible and what I am feeling doesn’t even compare. However, I feel the need to get this off my chest.
I feel disappointed. Tom was one of my favorite youtubers. He is creative and incredibly musically talented. He had the ability to make me happy when I was feeling upset. I went through a really rough time last year and going and watching some of his old videos was something I did in order to stay sane. And his album is a compellation of genius. But now I am upset and I can’t go watch his videos because they make me feel sick. I can’t close my eyes and listen to his music because I feel a wave of guilt. I am disappointed that someone who I looked up to so much could have done something so vile. I aspired to be as creative as him and now I aspire to be as different from him as possible.
I feel a sense of loss. YouTube is an amazing community full of some incredible people. We have all been tight knit for seven years and remain so despite its rapid growth recently. But today we lost a member of that community. Tom has been with us for those seven years and now he’s gone. I’m not saying that I wish he would stay a part of this community despite what he has done. I definitely believe he should not be allowed that label of YouTuber that everyone looks up to. But this is why there is that sense of loss. Because he can’t stay.
tell them i’m still here
tell them i haven’t crumbled
gravel ridden knees and bruised ego
made of granite
worn down where everyone has rubbed
me the wrong way for too long
i’m a grander sight to see
i am learning i exist correctly
sorry im sorry im sorry about…